As soon as I got home, I unloaded my kiln which was full of all the jewelry pieces I've been making over the last two weeks. Just in the bisque stage now, but I think glazing is always the most fun part anyhow. I am anxious to see how everything will turn out, especially the buttons and beads. I've seen so many great handmade ceramic buttons selling on Etsy. I had been thinking about making buttons and beads for a long time, so when I saw lots of them on Etsy, I was very encouraged to know there is a market out there for them. I don't sew, just a little cross-stitch here and there, but I know a one of a kind handmade button should appeal to someone out there for their projects. And with my very very small kiln, that is what I'm going to concentrate on for the time being. I will still make my tiles and small dishes, but the buttons and beads have been so much fun.
I spent the remainder of the morning working in the yard, and that is a huge effort for me. I planted eight perennials in our newest flower beds- they've been sitting around in pots and since it's rained the last few days and the ground was super soft, I took advantage of this cloudy morning to get digging. It's a bit of a strain for me, since I have to wear my wrist brace whenever I work in the garden. Even so, I would have to come inside and rest after every other plant. I was planning on scheduling my wrist surgery soon, but the other day my doctor revealed the outcome of my latest round of blood tests from last week, and some of the numbers were not good at all. She recommended postponing the surgery until I can get some of these numbers to come down. She said surgery at this time- even a minor one- would be too great of a risk. So alas, I will have to deal with the debilitating pain in my right hand for awhile longer. Most days I can down a few Motrin and keep going with the brace on. Some days, that's not enough, and the pain stops me in my tracks.
I am finding that I still struggle with grading myself and my moods, on what I did or didn't "DO" on any given day. It's ridiculous and I want very much to stop this behavior, because it's digging away at me, and at how I feel about myself and my overall life. Or rather, this newest phase of my life. Today I label this a good day, because I was productive and had somewhat good energy, because I finally planted the flowers that have been sitting around outside for a few weeks now, because I filled a box with fired pottery as solid proof that I am indeed working on it, because I've already marinated the meat for dinner and chopped up all the veggies I will roast in the oven tonight. All because I wanted to.
Yesterday was an unhappy day. Although I did all my housework- wiped down bathrooms, washed all the clothes, cleaned all the cat litter boxes, vacuumed the entire house, took out all the garbage- I did it all very slowly and with little energy. It took me the whole day just to do those few things. I judge myself cruelly because it would have taken a normal woman 2-3 hours to accomplish all of that, and then she would have moved on to something else more important or enjoyable. My "enjoyment" never came yesterday. I was tired, achy, and down, and I never had the time or stamina to do anything but the housework. True, I took many many breaks during the day, where I barely had the energy to read a magazine. But it was one of those days where I could not keep going for more than 15-20 minute stretches before I was in pain and somewhat exhausted.
Monday, to me, my day was completely miserable and I spent the day hating myself and hating my life. All because I woke up not feeling well. I didn't even get up with J to see him off to work, I physically couldn't push myself to do it. I slept late, then just stayed in bed watching TV until late in the day, when it was with tremendous effort that I simply got up to shower and get ready to make dinner. I don't have many days that are that bad, but I don't even cut myself any slack when I do. I still feel like I have this timetable hanging over my head, where I must achieve goals or produce work in order to justify my staying at home full time. Of course that's ridiculous, and no one has those expectations but me.
I don't know why I can't simply tell myself, stop for a minute. Today I am going to sit in my favorite chair and finish the paperback I've been reading, and that evening I will say wow, I had a wonderful relaxing positive good day today. Even if reading was the only thing I did for the entire day. Who do I have to answer to for that? No one. No one is going to say, you are fired! You suck as a human being because you decided to read instead of scrub all the baseboards today. Why can't I be okay with a day here and there where I don't accomplish anything that is task-oriented. The only thing J stipulated in our agreement for me to quit my job, was that I work on improving my health, and by that he meant not only physical but mental and emotional as well. I do not have to be physically on my feet and moving every minute from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed, I do not work for a corporation anymore.
I know I am going to have low days, where my medication makes me feel sick, or my pain slows my movements down to a crawl, where I have a crippling migraine and I can't function, and I know my moods may not always be spectacularly happy. But I don't want to continue to criticize myself so damn harshly on those days, when I don't do a lot. I don't want to tell J at the dinner table those nights, I had a bad day. I did not have a "bad" day!
MISS GEE
No comments:
Post a Comment