Butterflies

This morning my stomach is in knots, and for a very stupid reason.  Stupid to anyone else reading this, but real and anxiety-inducing to me.  As long as I can remember I have always worried about the "what if's" in life.  I get worked up and make myself sick, fretting over things that 99% of the time, never even happen.  But sometimes that fear of what may happen, slim chance or not, keeps me paralyzed from moving forward.  It's probably the number one thing about my personality that actually bugs J, and since he's so laid back and calm, for this to bother him you know it's a serious character defect on my part.  He always wants the best for me, so he wants me to be confident in myself and push beyond the worries and pursue my dreams.  To have faith in my abilities, and stop beating myself up all the time.

Today I am finally going to list some of my pottery on Etsy.  I even made an announcement on my Facebook page, put it on my family blog, created a new Facebook page for my Etsy store.  I have followers on a page that doesn't even have any posts yet, and followers for an Etsy store that hasn't had anything for sale since 2008.  I made myself do this, to tell everyone I know about my forthcoming venture, so that it would force me into making that next step. This past weekend we went to a family gathering, and everyone was asking me when they can see my work online. I have to step up now, I have to answer those queries. I've been making the pottery since last year, and it's piled up in a cabinet in my art studio, just sitting there where no one sees it but me.  Not even J. He sees it when it comes out of the kiln and I bring everything up from the basement, then it disappears into my private domain upstairs.  (I was going to call it my woman cave, but that sounded oh so creepy.)  There are no expectations from J, he is not banking on me earning any kind of income or profit on my handmade baubles.  He just wants me to have fun and enjoy my life again.  To be happy.

Let's face it, I've been complaining the last few years about my job not giving me enough free time to work on any of my art, and after J okayed the kiln purchase last year- well, everything in the last few months has fallen into place for me to do art and pottery full time now.  It's now or never, and I realize that. If I don't make a go of it right now, I never never ever will.  I don't want J to see me as a fraud, as a dreamer but not a doer, or worse- I don't want him to see me as a lazy failure.  This morning I have the kitchen table covered with my most recent pieces and I'm taking pictures, then I can get going.  So by the end of today, I will officially be back on Etsy.  And that excites and scares me at the same time.  I am not sure why.  When I was actively selling on eBay and Etsy before, I sold every single thing I listed.  My pottery, my paintings.  Everything.

I worry about the small things- will my photos look okay, what should I charge, what if nothing ever sells?  But by far my biggest fear is being judged, by the family and friends who will see what I've made.  I know my family is already supportive, and most of them already have one or two of my bowls in their homes that were gifts.  Family is going to love everything I make, they are obligated to oohh and aahh, aren't they?  But newer friends will see my work too.  I can imagine some of them saying, really?  Is that it?  That sorta sucks.  You said you were an "artist".  My six-year-old can shape clay better than that at summer camp.  This is what has kept me from exposing myself, although selling my art is what I truly want to do.  So does it make sense that I am scared to simply put photos online? Why is that fear keeping me from moving forward, keeping me from finally getting started on a path that could lead me to exactly where I want to go.  If I'm going to sell art, people have to see it!  I don't know why I get so bogged down in my anxiety, but I do.  With absolutely everything.

Of course I recognize that most of these negative feelings spring from the yesterdays of my first marriage, and the way the ex treated me.  All the doubts in myself, the lack of confidence, the low self-esteem.  He told me for 13 years how much I sucked at everything.  I know I continue to harp on that fact, but it still plays such a major role in how I see myself these days.  If that ugly, hate-filled voice of his ever goes away finally, maybe I will find peace and gain trust in my own self.  Maybe my own voice will stand out and override all the abusive words.  Maybe the fears and bothersome worries will fade into nothingness one day, and I can say to myself- hell yes this is me and I like it!

I know my work is very amateur, I don't even know how to throw pottery on a wheel, and I've never taken an art class in my life as far as painting goes.  I have a very tiny kiln, and making jewelry pieces and small hand-shaped candle dishes is going to be my limit right now.  And there is nothing wrong with that, if only I can convince myself of it.  I have never claimed to be talented, and I know I'm not. I see what is out there on Etsy, I go to art festivals and the small shops and galleries downtown.  I recognize real talent.  I think my fear of others criticizing me, or thinking poorly of me, has kept me from putting anything online up to this point.  Maybe I shouldn't have told everyone I would be selling online, but when I did it, I felt like it was a kick in the butt to carry me into this next phase. If not, I would just have to buy another cabinet to hide away the pottery I keep making, where it will sit in the dark and collect dust, and make me feel a mixture of delight and sadness every time I look at all of it.  And so now here I am, my foot on the first step that can only lead up!  I am just disappointed with myself, that it's taken this long to get to that starting point.

MISS GEE