Tuesday's Child

Back from vacation, above.  It wasn't our greatest trip ever with some travel arrangement mix-ups, and being randomly selected and severely hassled by the border patrol for no reason- which made J state that he will never never ever go back to Canada again.  But J was away from work for a week and could relax his brain and body for a short time, and that is what our vacations are all about.  J gets 4 weeks of vacation a year, I used to get 3.  So we would take 3 week long vacations and J would use his other days off here and there.  One vacation is always back to my hometown to visit my parents, but since they live on the beach it's a conveniently good place to waste a few days anyhow.  The other two weeks we always try to go somewhere we've never been before.  I am trying to convince J that maybe instead of just two week long trips, we can find places closer to home and take multiple long weekends, taking off maybe 1-2 days at a time.  We would get to travel more that way.  But he says unless he's off for an entire week from work, he doesn't really feel the benefits of time away. Honestly, the older I get, I really don't like being away from home for an entire week.

But the fact is, as far as travel goes, we can pretty much do anything we want and go anytime or anywhere we pick.  If he came home today and said, let's take Friday off and head to the mountains, we would zip out of here on Thursday night without a second thought.  It's easier now that I'm not working, but even when I had a job it was not a huge deal for me to ask to schedule a day off.  And I think the main reason for all of this is, we don't have children.  I've brought up the subject before, but last night I really had a moment where I reflected hard on it.  Yes, when J and I married we were in our very late 30's, and although we were hopeful and we tried to get pregnant it never happened.  Even now at 46, I don't use birth control and haven't since the day we said our "I do's", but I know the likelihood of pregnancy is super low.  I might as well plan on winning the lottery instead.  I've been premenopausal for the last few years, with very unpredictable cycles, sometimes (like right now) I go 2-4 months without a period.  I know, way too much information, even for a semi-anonymous blog.

Last night after dinner, we got an SOS from friends of ours.  They are just a few years older, which means they are nearing 50.  They've been married for over 20 years.  They recently bought a wonderful big home on a large piece of property, and have done an awesome job of landscaping, planting fruit trees and a veggie garden.  She's been canning berries and making jam and homemade pies.  He works full time, and she part time at a church daycare.  She also sells her art online. They have a cat and four dogs. We go out with them from time to time, to dinner or to auctions, and they throw great parties at their house.  But for the last year or so, they've been in the system to try to get a foster child with the hopes of permanently adopting.  The husband himself was adopted, so he feels like it's something he wants to do for another child in need, and I commend him for that- although he has a grown son from a previous marriage, they do not have a child together.  They've gotten their hopes up before, with the promise of a foster child coming their way, only to have the system bog down and phone calls never returned, or paperwork never forwarded.  Typical bureaucratic BS.  At the last few auctions we've gone to together, they've bought items that a child would need- a little red wagon, a bicycle, a desk, an old trunk to store toys.  There is a room ready and waiting.  They've been taking the required parenting classes throughout the year.

Yesterday they received word that today, they may be able to get not one child, but three siblings.  So last night we volunteered our pickup truck and helped them scramble to go get a bed from another friend who had one to spare.  Today they are waiting for that phone call, again.  This will be the third or fourth time they've gone through this, expecting news.  This time they seem more hopeful, that the call this morning from their case worker will be the one to say, come and meet your new children.  

J and I talked briefly about adopting a baby, long ago when it became evident we weren't going to get pregnant.  He was open to it, I was not.  I took the opinion that, if he and I couldn't conceive a child of our own, that was the universe telling us not to have kids.  I still have that opinion, but I apply that only to the two of us.  I don't have that viewpoint for anyone else but me, and obviously adoption is a wonderful and amazing gift to a child and couple.  I have plenty of friends who have gone through it.  It just wasn't a decision I felt was right for the two of us, at this point in our lives.  If we had adopted even in our early 40's, I thought about the long term implications.  We would be 60 and raising a teenager.  We would be 65 and getting Social Security, yet paying for a kid in college.  Then we would have a child just starting out in life as a young adult, but dealing with putting mom and dad in an old folks' home.  Wow, that just didn't seem right.

Our friends are overjoyed at the prospect of having a foster child, even multiple children and sight unseen at that.  They didn't think twice about taking three small children- two sisters and their little brother.  I know I couldn't do it.  I could not, at almost 50, take on a four-year-old boy with all the energy and mischievous ways that little boys have bottled up inside of them.  It would crush me to the bone.  I have delightfully devilish nephews whom I adore- I know what little boys are like.  The girls, I believe, are 7 and 8.  My head spins at the thought.  Play dates, homework, bake sales, school plays, birthday parties.  I couldn't keep up with it.  J is gone from the house from 7AM to 7PM and later, with the type of job where he can't leave at three because his kid has a softball game.  We are hoping to retire when we are in our 50's, and we could only achieve that nearly impossible dream that none of our other friends will be able to do, because we didn't have children.  I do joke that when I'm on my deathbed, no one will come to visit me, but hopefully the rest of my life with J will be so spectacular that I won't care. 

I know our friends will make wonderful parents, they are funny and warm and loving people.  He works with J, and works the same long hours away from home. It makes me wonder how he will be able to find the time and energy to devote to three small children, who will need a great deal of support and stability and commitment.  Will she have to quit her job, one that she loves so much?  I have no doubt they will find a way to raise a family, whether or not they bring home children today or get once again shuffled back to the waiting game.  I've had my moments where it made me wonder, was I a bad person for telling J adoption was not a viable choice for us.  Did I rob him?  He is the only son of an only son, there will be no one to carry on that family name.  I think that he's okay with where we are in life, our early retirement plans, our little world of just two (and the kitties, always).  When we go out and see kids in public having a screaming temper tantrum, we look at each other and bust out with a laugh and say, wow did we ever really want that?  Is that what we're missing out on?  But sometimes I secretly worry that maybe he did want that for us and now it's too late.

MISS GEE