I don't know why I dwell on him or our marriage. I don't have a lot of experience with divorce in my family. Other than one uncle, I'm the only person on either side who has been divorced. Seriously. Out of all the parents' siblings, my cousins, etc., no one has been divorced. I guess that speaks highly of my family tree. And maybe that's why it makes me feel super low that here I am, that one branch with the rotten apple hanging on it. But that was in the past, and obviously I've moved on and my life with J is amazing and almost magical now. Divorce is still a stigma though. I don't like thinking of J as my "second" husband. Yet I don't hide the fact that I've been married and divorced before. I should call J my "forever" husband I suppose.
J understands, I hope. I am actually wife #3 for him. Yes, it's true. He was twice divorced when I met him, which should have sent up red flags but I was already so in love, I didn't care. Even today, ten years later, I don't even give it a second thought. The first time J was married, he was very young, barely out of his teens. She was his first girlfriend, and they rushed into marriage, he said not because he loved her but because he thought it was expected of him. It lasted about a year- she cheated on him, he left, they divorced. The second time he was still young, in his 20's, he said he was at a very low point in his life and one day he ran into a girl he used to date. He said he was so deeply lonely that they went to dinner, he got incredibly drunk, and asked her to run off and marry him. Needless to say, that marriage lasted slightly longer than the blink of an eye- she ran up his credit cards, left him, and he had to file bankruptcy. By the time I met J in his mid-30's, he had been divorced for probably a decade and was just coming out of a relationship of 2 years (which for him was long term) with another woman who cheated on him then dumped him for the other guy. J was damaged goods when our paths crossed, for certain. He had his guard up, and although he was wonderful to me from the very beginning, it took a long time for me to break down that barrier.
But J is over all of it, it's as though none of those other women ever existed, like they never hurt him. All he sees is me. He doesn't talk about them, and I would bet money that he doesn't even think about them. Which is why I think it's hard for him to comprehend how I still get bogged down mentally and emotionally, and feel trapped in all the old labels- stupid, fat, worthless, lazy- that W placed on me. J thinks I'm wonderful- smart, funny, pretty, kind. Those are the only labels that should matter. W hated his mother, barely spoke to her. J adores his mom, we visit his parents as often as possible. So the old cliche about how a man treats his mother is how he will treat his wife, is true. W showed me as much disdain as he did his mom and two sisters. J would do anything in the world for his mother and two sisters and three nieces. Amazing that two men raised in a family of women, would learn to treat them so differently. Both men had parents that were still married, both men had hard-working fathers. I am not sure why J continued on that path of goodness and love and warmth, and why W splintered off to the point that he would tell me repeatedly, "All women are whores. You, my mother, my sisters, my niece. All women."
The one difference that I know of, is that W's father was horribly and openly promiscuous throughout the entire marriage. When W was small, his father would leave him in the car while he went to "visit" the other ladies in his life. Later on when W was an adult, his father was still carrying on with other women, and his mother turned a blind eye to it. Obviously W had a skewed vision when it came to women- the ones his father cheated with, and his mother who chose not to stand up and put a stop to it. Of course, W told me all of this after we were already separated and weeks away from our date in divorce court. Perhaps if he had bothered to share this with me sometime during our 13-year relationship, it's something we could have gotten him counseling for. He so very much needed it. On the other hand, J's parents have a strong marriage and they are very deeply devoted to their church, their community, and above all else, family. J had a strict upbringing, had to work hard on their farm alongside his sisters, and lived nextdoor to his grandmother. He sees women as tender partners, not the enemy. Even though his previous "partners" all cheated on him, used him, abandoned him- he could have hardened his heart against the female race. Yet he still continues to be a loving man.
The mere fact that W hated all women so much, should be enough to lighten my burden. It wasn't me, it wasn't anything at all about me. It wouldn't have mattered who his wife was at that time, he would have treated her as roughly as he treated me. He would have dismissed her feelings, belittled and degraded her, he would have continued to crush her spirit, the same way he did me. Whatever anger he felt for his father's many mistresses, or his meek mother, he was taking it out on me. No matter what I did, it wouldn't have changed him or his actions. W was my past, never more to speak one single ugly word to me. I've got to let it go. He can't define me anymore.
I have an amazing father- supportive and caring and attentive- so I have a great role model for the perfect husband and marriage. Meeting J was that light bulb moment for me. I didn't have to stay trapped in a cold, hellish life with W. I could be in a normal relationship. Someone out there did find me attractive. Here was a man who listened to me, respected me, wanted to be with me, didn't argue with me constantly. He called me by sweet nicknames and not "you fucking bitch". Here was someone who wanted to lift me up, not push me down. This man would take care of me, hold me, find joy with me, and want to be with me always. Someone who actually appreciated me for being me.
Here was a man who epitomized the word love. I am so eternally grateful that I found him.
MISS GEE
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