Kicking Off A New Year

One promise I've made to myself, I won't spend two and three days composing giant convoluted posts anymore.  Even I get tired when I'm writing them, so no wonder no one is reading them.  I'd rather post more often, even if they are shorter missives.

Things started to look up for me after my last post.  My depression has lifted somewhat, though certainly not all the way.  But I feel more optimistic lately. Much more than I have in a long time.  It's amazing how just a few key moments in the span of just a few weeks, can change the path you've been headed down.  Maybe I've just had time lately to think on things.  Like the rest of the country I've been hibernating this week.  Yes, even in the Deep South we are not immune.  We hit single digit temperatures this week.  And my sales on Etsy for some reason just exploded, and it's given me a renewed sense of passion and dedication to my art and pottery.  People are discovering me and more than that, they like me!

In mid-December we visited our old town and old friends for a few days, and I realized that part of what's kept me down in the dumps here is an unfounded sense of nostalgia that things were better back there.  And although I miss seeing my best girlfriend on a daily basis, I came to the understanding that our old town is pretty much like our new town.  It doesn't offer anything that I can't get here, now.  True, I've held on to the memories of the days when J and I were dating, all the fun places we would go, our routines, our favorite restaurants (some of which we found were sadly now closed!).  But we have all that here, now.  J and I have been together for 10 years.  We've already spent 5 of those years here in our new town.  I came to the decision that whatever it was I've been longing for, in the past, is not worth it.  And I'm not sure it even exists anymore.  It's not worth making myself miserable over, anyhow.  It's not worth pining away for.  I have J here, now.  That's the most important part of all those memories and feelings.  I came back home feeling somewhat enlightened and told J, you know, after that visit I just don't "miss" our old life that much now.  I think that made him happy.

The holidays were all about family, and because I'm not currently working my parents were able to come and stay with us for an extended visit.  I shocked myself at how patient I was with my super-judgmental mother.  I shocked myself at how domestic I was, cooking all my husband's favorite dishes for my father. Normally when my parents come to visit, my mother takes over the house- and the cooking- and I just shut down.  This time I commanded control over my own kitchen, even on Christmas day.  My parents noticed, and it seemed as though they both had a new respect for me.  I'm 47.  I'm not sure why it took them this long to come to the conclusion that I'm competent and I'm a wife and I take care of my home and my husband.  It all came together and commingled into a pleasant visit.  Maybe it was partly my own change of attitude.  Instead of being miserable and wishing it was time for them to leave, I chose to enjoy the time we all spent with each other.  I stepped up, instead of just falling back.

J took me away for my birthday weekend after Christmas was over.  He does it every year, and each time he tries his best to surprise me but I always figure it out in advance.  I do my best to gush over the packet of tickets and hotel reservations and dining choices.  It's always the favorite weekend of the year for me, and it amazes me that my husband listens to me when I chatter away throughout the year, and it makes me appreciate him even more.  He keeps careful track of places I mention, events that are coming to town, and he always plans a magical weekend for me, for us.  It's the perfect way to close out the old year.  This year the rain dampened some of the plans but there were no regrets and no disappointments.  And again, I realized that whenever I'm with J, the details don't seem to matter as much.  We rang in the New Year with his family, and even though it was only just one day, I realized that being with them is about joy and warmth.  I didn't even think about anything else.  I felt as though I opened myself up to it more this visit than I have in the past.

Not everything that phased 2013 into 2014 was wonderful.  J's company was bought out by a competitor and we are unsure of what the near future holds for us and his job- we are just waiting and trying not to worry.  One dear friend back home is staring down a prison sentence, and I can only hope that her situation has a happy ending, and be supportive of her daily messages to me. Another friend here passed away just this week, from a very common illness but because she didn't take care of her every day health, she has died.  She was not much older than I am, and leaves behind a completely disabled, dependent husband.

Sometimes those sad moments make you look at yourself in the mirror and think, that could be me.  And it will be me unless I do something now to make certain I don't follow in those same footsteps.  Lately I've been reevaluating what truly makes me smile, and what makes me discontent.  And for each answer I have to ask, why?  I've been finding that when I choose to be happier and open and accepting, I have a lot more energy and a lot less of the aches and pains.  So I'm going to do my damnedest to embrace the positive, and to push back all the shadows.  I'm stepping into the light for 2014- and beyond!  I deserve it!

MISS GEE