Maybe it's my age, but I don't really do the New Year's resolution thing anymore. I have goals in mind for myself, but they're a little more specific than "lose weight" or "save money". And normally they are goals I've been working on for awhile and just need to continue chasing down. This week I was cleaning up some things in the basement and J asked if I could find a small notebook he could use, and when I brought one up for him I flipped open into the middle of it and found a list of personal goals I had written in 2000! It was three pages long! Yes, really. Normally I would be uptight about sharing something like that, but I decided that if 2014 was going to be the year I loosened up and let go and opened myself up to all life has to throw at me- this would be a good test. So instead of hiding it in embarrassment I gave it to J, and he proceeded to read out the entire list. We laughed about a lot of the items, because they are still things I'm struggling with now. Some of them, I couldn't remember writing down because they were issues I overcame a long time ago. Even J said about some of the worst ones, hey you don't do this. I said, this list is from before we met, I was a very different person back then.
At the office I used to have lists posted everywhere. Sticky notes on my computer, handwritten lists on my whiteboard, electronic reminders that popped up on my email first thing every morning. Even with my morning to-do list here at home, it hasn't been enough for me, because they get crumpled up and thrown out every evening. The next day I'm fumbling around saying, uhm, what did I do yesterday? So instead of a new journal this year, I went to the office supply store and bought one of those appointment books, a big one that has one entire page per day and broken down into every quarter hour. And I've been writing everything down. Everything. Even if it's just taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher. Even if it's recycling old magazines or gathering up clothes for the next Goodwill run. Everything. At the end of the day, I can look back and say, wow, I am accomplishing things. It seems like a stupid little undertaking, but filling out every small detail from my day into that appointment book, has made a world of difference to me so far. And I'm being honest in it. If I sat reading for an hour or soaked in a hot bath for awhile, I write that down too.
My depression seemed to deepen at the end of 2013 because I had a lot of days- and weeks- where I felt like I was drifting, just simply existing. At the end of the day I couldn't put my finger on where my hours had gone. I know healing from my surgery seemed to compound it, because I had days where I did not do a single damn thing with my wrist in the cast. Even now I have to be careful. Last week I picked up a grocery sack and felt a sharp pop, and the surgery site swelled up and I was in miserable pain for several days. I won't be completely, 100%, perfectly healed for a long time to come. But I can still function. And I've been trying my best to make the most out of my days.
I continue to get up with J every morning at 6am. We go to bed about 10pm, sometimes a bit later. I can't seem to convince anyone that I don't take naps, at all. I think perhaps twice I've slept during the day, when I was sick. That's it. Only my mom believes me when I say I don't nap or sleep in. I told her it's very important to me to not only stay on the same schedule as J, so I'll go to bed when he does. But also to continue to stay on a normal schedule so that when/if I do go back to work, it won't be such a shock to my body. Most days I don't leave the house, but now that I'm writing down the minutiae of my day, I can see that even as a homebody, I too have relevant tasks and projects and chores. If I settled into my easy chair in the corner of our bedroom with a cat in my lap and read for 12 straight hours a day, no one is here to tell on me. But that's not what I want out of life.
The appointment book has made me realize that I do have worth, that I do add value to this little family unit of ours, and that I'm not just wasting my time by staying at home. I can make a to-do list every day and stick to it. I can create goals and work on them. I can make a difference. I'm going to go as far as saying writing in the book has even boosted my self-esteem just a little bit. It feels good every night to look at the page and see it's complete. My day was complete. It gives me hope that maybe my life will be complete. Thanks DayMinder 2014!
MISS GEE
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