Sad And Tired

I am really in such a sad state of blah lately, and I am tired of feeling that way.  I'm tired that I can't seem to ever move forward in my life.  Even the blog, which I think about often but rarely get to.  I have such poison in my brain on most days, and I don't want to put it on the screen in front of me.  But it's still there, my eyeballs still see it inside my mind, whether or not I share it in black and white.

I feel like I have so many irons in the fire, I have so many directions that I need to go, so many projects to focus on, so many items on my to-do lists.  And yet they are all irrelevant in the real world.  Maybe they are only big deals in my little sphere of reality here inside the walls of this house.

I have no reason for complaints.  No reason for excuses.  I feel sorry for myself then get pissed off at myself for feeling that way.  No one treats me as badly as I do.  I have things in my life that I should celebrate- we just paid off our house!!- but joy always eludes me.  Then again, I don't expend much energy trying to chase after it either.

I see stories of overcoming the odds and courageousness every day, but I know I don't have that inside of me.  J enables my antipathy because he loves me. His "it's okay" hugs sometimes make me feel even worse. Like a repeatedly disappointed father showing encouragement to his failure of a child.

Lately I get so overwhelmed with the little things.  What I want to do, and what I actually do, are universes apart.  I can set goals for myself all day long, but as evening rolls around I wallow in the pitiful truth that I am incapable, a fraud.

One word to describe myself?  Useless.  To describe my life?  Pointless.  To describe the things I do?  Meaningless.

I know, I know.  Get my head out of my ass, get over all the drama, and get on with living.  What else is there to do?

MISS GEE