A New Phase, A New Place

Wow, it happened.  J and I fell in love with the cute little house and made an offer and they accepted.  I can't believe it.  If all goes well, we will close in a little over a month.  I don't think it has set in yet.  I have spent the last few days both excited for the future, wondering if we made the right decision, and feeling... barely any anxiety.  Yes, that is correct.  I expected to immediately start stressing out about this, but I'm not.  Perhaps that's because we don't plan to move right away and it doesn't seem "real" yet.

The plan is to move in about two years, and in that timeframe we will downsize our belongings, keeping just what we need and what we absolutely love. Keeping the things that are truly important to us, discarding the excess.  This house is less than half the size of our current house, but we made that choice deliberately.  It is time to unload and simplify.  It is long overdue.  We have been slaves- financially and physically and mentally- to our material possessions, to the things that clutter and crowd our home.  With both of us turning 50 soon, it's time to start living differently.  This current life we lead, has become a burden.

I've spent many of my posts talking about how much I hate the town we've lived in for the past 7+ years, how trapped I feel in our current house and this neighborhood.  When J took his new position of traveling full time last year, we knew we were free to live anywhere we wanted, and we've had many talks about our future.  I want to think buying this house was not an impulse, because we've had so many deep conversations about moving.  But it feels impulsive, because we found it online, drove five hours to see it a few days later, and made an offer right on the spot.  I watch enough shows on HGTV to know that people do that all the time, but it feels weird for me. Yet as I sit here today listening to the pounding and engine noises and rattling of machinery and trucks blocking my driveway, watching the crew sit on the curb on their break staring into my windows, as they build the two new houses across the street from us, I know in my mind that this was a good decision.  The little bit of empty "space" I was used to, my buffer, my calming view of trees will soon be gone.

And even though we've said we will give ourselves two years to move, I know it may be longer or shorter.  The way we feel about our current living situation, it just might be sooner.  I've already grabbed a spiral notebook and started making lists of what we need to keep and what we need to get rid of.  I was surprised at how easily I added items to the "get rid of" list.  It felt good, it felt freeing, it felt as though I was throwing off a great burdensome weight.  It felt right.  I look at things around the house and say, why did we ever buy this? What part does it play in my life?  We bought these things to fill up the corners of our way-too-big house, the house we "thought" we needed to be happy.  But, less truly is more in this case.  This house has always been too big for me to manage, to keep clean, and it's caused me a great deal of grief in how I see myself, how I believe I am a failure as a wife and homemaker.  The house kicked my ass.

And I know the waiting and planning and pining away for the sweet little new house will be a bit like my divorce from W- I had to be "separated" for at least a year before I could even file for divorce, and all that time I had J in my life, and I was just waiting to move on with our future.  Just like I could go see J here and there while I waited out my separation, we can go up every so often and start to shape the new house into "ours".  We recognize that right now, we are in no way ready to just pack it up 100% and move next month.  We have a lot of work to do here before we can move forward.

This house is just outside of J's hometown, and that played into our decision.  As the only son, it's important for him to be near his parents now, to build a better relationship with his father in his last years, to be there for his mother when the time comes.  I am okay with that.  I have no desire to move back to my hometown, even though all my family is there.  I hated it there when I was growing up, and my feelings haven't changed- but that's for another post.  The area we are moving to is SO different from the area we live in now.  Here, the big city is all about wealth and flashy cars and expensive restaurants and being seen and living in the right zip code- that's why so many of the crazy-ass reality TV shows on right now are filmed here, because of the types of people who live here.  Where we are going to, they pride themselves on green spaces and food co-ops and downtown art and music festivals and community.  Quiet and peace and earth, balanced with just enough places to go eat and shop and have an evening out, but not drowning in them, not depending on them to survive.

Not only will moving to a smaller house hopefully bring us comfort, but the larger property will hopefully bring us the peace of not being crowded up on strangers that polite society insists we call neighbors.  When we moved here, we had never been to this town before, we didn't know anything about it.  Now we are going to a place where my husband was born and raised, where we visit a dozen times a year, where we already have favorite restaurants and a favorite book shop, and a favorite organic grocery store.  Where his sister lives seven miles away, his parents eighteen miles.  I want to believe that this is the best decision for our future.  Even the style and layout of the house and property are so perfect for us, so much what we've always wanted.

I don't like to think of myself as "old", but I am getting there.  And soon.  My god, I can join AARP this year!  The plan is for this house to be our "forever" home, and I know plans change sometimes.  But if this is the home for the last half of our married life, then I am amazingly okay with that.  In the meantime, life goes on here.  We will start planning for yard sales and lots of trips to Goodwill.  For the first time in a LONG time, I am feeling hopeful, I am feeling optimistic, I am feeling lighter already. I know my depression didn't start when we moved here, but it did reach new and treacherous depths of darkness.  Of course I had depression and anxiety long before J and I ever met, and I felt in control of it. But when we made the move here in 2008, well that is when it all took over my life and started eating me alive from the inside.  I am feeling encouraged that leaving this place will give me some relief.

People all over the world buy houses and move, every minute of every day.  We've done it several times already.  This process will not be cause for me to go off the deep end.  If and when I need help, I know J will be there, and I also know there is no pressure to move, no date on a calendar to eyeball.  J is not going to push me, he knows my physical and emotional limitations, and respects that I am who I am.  I know there will be plenty of stressful moments during this transition, but I will continue to remind myself that finally, for maybe the first time in my life, there is a beautiful, glowing, warm light at the end of my dark, painful tunnel.

MISS GEE