It's very disappointing to have had a few happy and excited posts, and to go straight to feeling hopeless and dismal again. The thought of the new house wasn't enough to sustain me. True, I do get excited talking about the house with J, and making plans, and talking about the future and what we want to do before, during, and after the move. And although in about a month the house will (hopefully) be officially ours, we're still sticking to the idea of taking 1-2 years before we move there permanently. In the meantime, LOTS to do. The only relief I have, as far as my anxiety, is that we ARE taking so long to pack up here and move. And J will be there with me. The first yard sale is in just two weeks, and we've decided we aren't going to try to sell everything on one Saturday. Which I am 100% perfectly okay with, because it's not possible. People will think it's a "haul away" day from an episode of "Hoarders" if I tried to put out all the crap on one afternoon.
Last week my body was rocking and rolling, but my mind was not in sync. I floundered and stumbled, a lot. This week my brain is racing with ideas and thoughts, but my body doesn't want to cooperate. I can't seem to EVER get the two to coordinate with each other. So for this week, mostly what I've done is keep a notebook and pen at the ready, writing down my intentions and plans and schedule. I can't seem to do much more than that. We had a big antique/craft show recently where we set up a large booth, and this last weekend I had my first craft show for 2016, and I spent so much time and energy getting ready for them, I guess this week my body wants to crash. So the most exciting thing I will do this week is watch all my Harry Potter DVD's and veg out. With working the show this weekend, I spent two days on Vicodin with all the terrible pains associated with putting up a tent, tables, unloading boxes, standing on my feet all day, etc. I love the shows, but my body hates me for it afterward.
So the big gigantic neighborhood yard sale is in two weeks. Then at the end of April we've signed up for another antique/craft show. We've got one in the middle of May, and another one at the beginning of June, another one in July. And in between, our other weekends are already full. This weekend it's driving up to see the new house and make another walk-through. Then drive back up for the closing two weeks later. Then back up there again for Mother's Day for his family. Then Memorial Day weekend my parents will be here for several days, and we promised we would take them up to see the house (plus we are thinking about another yard sale that weekend too). We have a big out of town concert this month. J has a huge work function to go to one Saturday in May. We have a vacation planned. So, my calendar is completely booked up through somewhere into the middle of JULY already!!! And between weekends my days are busy with my normal errands, housework, making jewelry, running Etsy shops, eBay orders, packing up what we sell, digging through the clutter in the basement. For someone who doesn't have a real "job" anymore, I barely have time to catch my breath some days. And if you read my blog, then you know I don't really have the physical stamina or the mental energy to carry on like that.
I am working on pricing items for the yard sale in two weeks. I'm sorry, maybe it's just the OCD in me, but I've GOT to have a price tag on every little thing, even if it's only 25 cents. J is the type, just throw it on a table and when someone asks, quote them a price. I can't do it that way. I don't want to be put on the spot and have to make hundreds of snap decisions like that on a Saturday afternoon. Plus, whenever I go to shows or flea markets, I'm usually too shy to ask about prices if an item isn't marked. And I always pay full price, I'm again too shy to dicker. J will say, hey I'll give you five bucks for that, for something marked $20- he's not too proud to look for a bargain! So my house is a disaster, I've got yard sale stuff spread out all over the dining room table, all over the basement, all over the garage. The guest bedroom is covered with all the Etsy and eBay items. In my craft room my two work tables are completely covered with new necklaces I'm working on. Trying to keep it all organized but trying to work on every bit of it as much as I can. We just have so much SHIT. I try to put it into perspective- the house is a wreck because we're getting rid of things, but it's hard to look at the disorganization, the piles, and not think wow this mess is all my fault.
J has also tasked me with really getting down and dirty and start listing as much as I can on my Etsy vintage shop. Plus we are both starting to list on eBay. And I also spent Sunday creating an Etsy shop for him, for the new crafts he is working on. All he has to do is make his signs, I will manage everything else for him. Photos, listings, packing up and mailing. Between Etsy and eBay, I go to the post office about three times a week right now. So it's a lot going on, mentally. Physically, it's not really that much. I'm trying my best, but I always have that voice in the back of my head that "my" best sucks compared to the rest of the world. I mean, I just got off the phone with J, who is working in the mid-west right now. He just finished working a 17-hour overnight shift, and he had to drive through a blizzard and over a foot of snow to get there and back. Yes, really, and I'm sitting here whining because I don't have the energy to upload a few photos online or put a 50 cent sticker on an old coffee mug.
J has pretty much told me/asked me to focus on getting rid of things any way that I can, even if I donate. He doesn't care. Last weekend he went through all the old papers in his office filing cabinet and we had a nice little blaze going in our outdoor firepit with it all. I'm going to try to do the same this week too. I have an enormous problem with hoarding papers- old notes, Christmas cards from 20 years ago, recipes I've clipped out of magazines. I've always dragged those things from house to house, and now I simply can't. So it's a huge project, but I would hope that I can find the energy to do even this. I mean, I can sit my ass on the couch and watch TV while I do this, how hard can it be?
Part of it for me is engaging the brain cells needed to make the decisions. Keep, toss, donate. And the things I've attached emotional importance to will be the toughest- they have no monetary value but I want to keep them. I've saved every movie stub, airline ticket, vacation brochure, note, card from my life with J- obviously I don't want to part with those, even if I just have them all stuffed in a box somewhere. Then I have all the photos I ever took during my years with my ex. I have all my old college textbooks. I have old magazines from the 1990's. I have board games I haven't played in 20 years. Just a lot of stuff that I've kept, and it's really uncalled for. I don't even know where to begin. And that's the hardest part. But today I'm going to try to get started. Even if I just clean out one drawer. That recipe book I've had for 30 years but I've never made a single meal from? What is the likelihood that I ever will? Why do I need to keep it? I find most of my recipes online these days, like the rest of the world. Why is it so hard to let go of things like this? My mom goes to the dollar store and buys the same Easter card for me every year, why am I saving these, will I go back and read them one day? No.
But it feels like I'm throwing away my history, my past, a part of me. I know there are certain things I won't let go of. I'm not going to throw away photos of my late dog from my first marriage, but I sure as hell don't need to keep all the vacation photos of my ex. But I literally have several boxes of photos to go through. I can't sit and look at every single one and make a decision on each one individually. Yes, that's a pretty shot of the mountains or the beach, but it's from 25 years ago, do I need it? No one is even in the picture, and I know I took it on a trip with the ex. Do I want it? Why? Get rid of it!! It has no place in my current life, in my new home, in my future.
I am not going to get stressed out this soon into the process. I've got loads of time to do all of this. Our goal is to hopefully move by the end of 2017, and that is enough breathing room for even someone as slow as I am to complete thinning out the hoard.
MISS GEE
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