Change Your Brain

I had to start this post over again, wiping out a few paragraphs filled with negativity.  All I wanted to say was how very excited I am about having a greenhouse at the new home up in the mountains, and I went off on a tangent about how much I hate our current neighbors and how miserable they make me and how I can't wait to get away from them.

I don't know why my mind automatically goes to the negative, to the anger, to the unhappiness.  I see potential problems where others see unlimited possibilities.  I hear a suggestion and my mind shuts it down, while other people are always open to new ideas and embracing change.  I want to cast off my old way of thinking, this Debbie Downer, this Negative Nelly in me.  I want to learn to say and think "I can" and "I will" instead of "I can't" or "I won't", and not just say it but believe it!  I want to stop hating, to stop staying in this continual mode of always being pissed off at the world.  I am only holding myself back from life, by seeing the darkness and never the light.

What I wanted to say in this post, is how very much I am looking forward to the opportunity to grow my own fresh vegetables and herbs, to cook healthier, to experiment with new recipes.  Instead I looked out the window here and went on a crazy rant about how we don't spend any time outside at our current house because of the people who live next to us.  Why did I have to go there?  I just deleted it all.  Focus on the future, focus on the excitement, focus on the dreams and the plans and the possibilities.  Stop worrying about what others do and say, stop letting my head get crammed with all the things that bother me and instead fill it up with the simple satisfaction of living a good life, and being blessed with good fortunes.

I know that a large part of my depression, is how my brain processes the normal ups and downs of every day life.  People always remark to me that I am always happy, but that's just the forced smile I show them all, the pretend laughter.  I rarely feel happiness inside.  J is the only one who knows it, who senses it.  He will ask me "why are you never happy?" and I don't know how to answer him.  If I knew the answer, I would give anything to put a plan into action and change the way my mind thinks!  My one good friend here is studying a very specific branch of psychology and she's been having practice sessions with friends who volunteer.  After talks with me, she said I'm complicated and she needs more training before she can help me.  I could have told her that!

I know all the inspirational stories on the news, blah blah, about people overcoming odds and fighting for survival and never giving up hope.  My thoughts always go straight down the crapper from the outset.  Why can't I learn to be grateful and accepting and bare, instead of hunching inwards and closing myself up?  Why does my mind think of a post about flowers, and suddenly it becomes a tirade, a toxic monologue about other people?

What makes one person lean towards the negative, and another person always seems to have a sunny disposition?  Brain chemistry?  Environment?  I had the perfect, fun, happy childhood but I'm always grumpy and gloomy.  J spent his young years working hard and having a tougher go of things, but he is the most positive person I know.  I am SO tired of always being so upset and unhappy and down.  The negativity is powerful, it is poisonous.  It holds me back from doing the things I really want to do, it keeps me stuck in a bad place in my head.  I want to actually be- in real life- that productive, animated, chipper person I always portray on social media.

I want to feel real hope and optimism and sunshine on my face.  I don't know if this is an inherited trait, or if I can retrain my brain to learn to think this way.  J is like that.  Oh, not smugly happy, but he always sees the finest in people, in situations, he always has positive ideas, he always expects the best outcome.  My mind immediately goes to what could go wrong and how hard it will be and what if it doesn't work out?  Why can't I just smile and say YES and think oh how wonderful, and really really mean it!

But anyhow, back to my original post idea, I AM supremely excited to have this little workshop and greenhouse on our new property.  Well, it will be ours at the end of this week when we close.  I can't wait to plant tomatoes and peppers, rosemary and cilantro, marigolds and lavender and whatever else I can stick in a pot.  I look forward to making fresh salsa and drying herbs for my stews and sauces.  I am counting the days until we can relax on the front porch with coffee, or spend an evening on the back deck watching the birds and roasting marshmallows over a fire. And I want chickens! Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself, but I'm trying for that optimism and joy!

MISS GEE