Fear of Falling

I have had control issues from a young age.  I am that person who always has the last word, who always has to be right, who always wants things done my way. I've always been like that, and I know it's deeply ingrained in my soul.  My mother is the same way, and so is my sister.  When I was in high school, I never drank and still don't.  I used to say it was because I didn't like the taste of alcohol, but I think it was my fear of losing control.  I would go to parties on Friday nights, sit around and watch my friends become idiots, and on Monday mornings back at school I would be the one telling them how dreadfully stupid they behaved because they couldn't remember.  I didn't want to be like them.

It's been a recurring theme in all my relationships- with people, with work, with strangers, with road rage.  It's one of the reasons I make tedious to-do lists even when I'm home alone all day.  It's why I make elaborate "itineraries" when we go on vacation.  It's why I spend an hour on MapQuest before I drive anywhere new (I can't even let myself trust a GPS). It's a character trait/flaw I've long wanted to change, but I have a tremendous problem dealing with it.  It makes others around me unhappy, and in the end, it stresses me out more than I need to be.  I made a promise to myself over the weekend that going forward, I was going to actively work on this.

J and I had a bit of a tiff over the weekend, on the way home from buying the new house.  We rarely fight, and I wouldn't even call this an argument, but we spent a few hours in stony silence afterwards which is horribly unlike us.  All because J said he wanted to buy a particular piece of furniture for the new house, and I immediately shot down his idea because I didn't think we needed it.  And I do that all the time.  I know it, but I can't help myself, the words come spewing out of my mouth before my brain engages.  Most of the time I wish I could suck them back in, but that's never possible is it?  Once we were speaking again, J said he is so tired of me being that way.  J rarely speaks negatively towards me, and for him to do so, I know he truly is upset with me.  And if my easy-going husband is upset, then this is something I need to work on.

I know part of it is the control.  But part of it is also how badly I deal with change.  Any change.  Every year my company had the same boring questions and categories on our annual reviews.  No matter what department, no matter what job, no matter what boss- when it came to the question about how does this employee deal with change, I got terrible marks.  It was always always the one category I failed, every time.  And if people I worked with saw it, how bad was I behaving with the people I lived with?  Because I did it with my ex as well.  It was a different situation with him- because of the abuse and disrespect and mutual hatred, I always thought I had to "fight" for what I wanted, that I always had to be ready to defend myself and my way of thinking.  In that relationship, we were always combative. It was dog eat dog, and if I didn't speak up first or speak the loudest, I got trampled.  If I didn't get it my way, then I was crushed under the weight of W's decisions.  

W was selfish and angry, his choices were meant to hurt, to demean, to dominate.  J is not like that, he always bends over backwards to please me.  He is willing and happy to make compromises for me.  Why can't I do the same for him?  Why can't I loosen my grip on the rope?  It's not as though he will take it all and use it as a noose on me.  Right now I seem to always be in a tug of war against him, but he doesn't want to play.

If we planned to go to lunch before we go to the garden center, but J decides to go to the garden center first, I instantly start listing the reasons why I think we should go to lunch first.  And I do that ALL THE TIME.  With everything.  No matter how small or insignificant the issues.  It's like I never allow the man to make decisions.  For me, it's a (bad) reaction to a change. To J, it's me telling him he's wrong and proceeding to point out the reasons why.  If he has an idea about how to do something, I almost always find a way to "correct" him, and come up with my own version of how we should continue.  I usually end up sounding like a smarty pants, and even I see that.  Why do I assume he doesn't know how to use a certain tool, pick a restaurant, buy his own clothes?  Do I try to control all the decisions in order to feel needed, to feel necessary in his life?  If so, that's going to backfire eventually.  No man wants to constantly feel like a child, married to his mother.

I don't want to do that to him, and I don't want to make him feel bad or belittle him or make him, as he said he does so often during these conversations, just give up and "let" me have my way because he is worn down and it's easier just to give in.  "Yes dear."  Back when we were dating, I half-jokingly told J I was high maintenance, that I was raised a princess and a daddy's girl and was used to being spoiled.  And J has always treated me the same way.  It's one thing to be spoiled and showered because the giver is freely doing it, entirely with an open heart.  It's another thing to get your way because you have demanded it and browbeaten your spouse.  There is a fine line between being a princess and being a spoiled brat.  I don't want to be that way, but sometimes I think I am.  I am worried that J will become resentful eventually.

J told me this weekend that it is tiring and it is easier to let me get my way than to argue with me.  That makes me sound like a bitch.  I know he wasn't calling me a bitch, it just makes ME see myself that way.  I know J meant to open a meaningful dialogue with me, but I snapped at him about how I won't be a doormat, I have opinions, I won't keep my mouth shut.  I realized with a painful stab to my heart, that in my mind I was arguing with my ex-husband.  It was like I didn't even see J standing there in front of me.  Why can't I get that awful fucking waste of a human out of my head after all these years!

I tried to explain it to J- that when I say "no we can't do that!" I sometimes mean "that idea scares me" but I don't know how to say it the right way.  I don't know if he understands or not.  J just sees it as me being negative.  He said he deals with that all the time at work, his ideas are always met with resistance and negativity. People will say "we can't do that" or "we've always done it this way we don't want to make changes"- and he said he really doesn't want to hear more of it at home.  I tried to let him know that- whether or not he thinks it's a big deal- things scare me sometimes, but of course he doesn't understand that either because he is my protector and my support and my white knight.  He is always telling me not to worry, not to get upset, everything will turn out okay, he will take care of it.  And it almost always does work out fine.  But it's a nasty symptom of my anxiety, to be fearful of any change, and so I try to defend myself with the word NO.  And that's fucked up.  Even if our Saturday routine gets shuffled in the middle of the day.  Even if J wants to buy a fireproof safe to put in the storage room of the new house.  I always react, and normally I react and overreact badly.

J sees it as me battling against him, and that's the last thing I want to do.  We always say we are a team.  It's one of his catchphrases for whenever we have a bump in the road.  We're a team!  We're in this together.  I should chant that to myself before I open my mouth, to remind myself that I am not his mom, I am not that naggy henpecking type of wife, I'm not his boss.  J has a tendency to ask for my opinion, a lot.  Most of the time it's on innocuous subjects like matching a shirt with dress pants, or will I read an email he's writing and let him know if it sounds okay, or what should we buy his mom for Mother's Day.  And of course, sometimes he makes these same decisions without me and I am fine with that.  But I am also sometimes quick to tell him the green shirt doesn't go with the gray pants, or his mother doesn't wear the necklace we got her last year so why buy her another one this year.  I have a tough time drawing the line on what is constructive criticism and support, and what is just plain damn control and nitpicking.

For months now he's been asking my thoughts about buying a particular kind of car.  Well it's a car I absolutely can't stand, I think they are ugly, and I don't think they are a car for a manly man to drive.  So every time he brings it up, I am utterly and completely negative about it.  I say ridiculous things like, well that's a girl car, anything to talk him out of it because I don't like the car.  But then I will say, like a snot, well it will be your car, you do whatever you want.  Of course at that point, I've spent ten minutes ranting about how much I would hate it and I wouldn't want to ride in it.  The damage is done, my point was made, he has been beaten down.  WHY WHY WHY!  It's a fucking car, and more than that, it's HIS fucking car.  He works hard, we have the money, why am I being such a petulant child about it?  What does it matter?!?! 

WHY AM I THIS WAY?

I have GOT to stop this.  My husband wants a certain car, and he deserves it, no matter what I may think about it.  I am scared about getting rid of our current vehicle, the fun and fast convertible we've had since we were dating.  But it's a car, I've attached all sorts of crazy sentimental emotions to it.  J has wanted to sell it for five years now, and I keep saying NO.  Why?  The fear of change?  The fact that I think I have to control every decision we make?  I don't know.

That's just one small example, it's the one facing us currently.  People sell cars and buy new cars every minute of the day.  Hell, I got a new car last year.  If it was MY idea to sell the old sports car and get a new one, it would be cool, and J wouldn't care.  But it's like it's because it was his idea, that I can't let it go, I can't process it and be fine with it.  My husband is an amazing man, with sound judgment, outstanding morals, intelligence.  Wouldn't it be so much easier on my anxiety, so freeing for me to just let him make the decisions and be okay with them?  He won't steer me wrong, he won't let me fall, his decisions are for "us" and what's best and he will take care of me.  J always makes certain my needs are met, no matter what he has to do.  Why can't I shake off the anxiety, the tightness, and give him the the respect and freedom he deserves?  I've got got got got got to work on this.

I've got to work on this right now, because with this move to the new house, we have a million billion decisions to make.  I cannot allow myself to control every single one.  I won't.  J works very very hard, he's made a lot of sacrifices, to take this traveling job.  His personal comfort, never being at home, missing us and me missing him too.  But it was a great opportunity and now it's allowing us to make this move to the new house.  I need to remind myself of that whenever he wants to do something, or buy something, or go somewhere- even if I don't want to or don't agree.  THAT is compromise, that is a true partnership.  One person caving all the time is not.  Eventually that person is going to be so far deep down in a hole, they will tunnel their way out and move on to a better place where they can live their own life the way they want to.  I don't want to lose my husband over decisions about paint colors or lighting fixtures. It's not worth it!  I have an amazingly patient husband, but even so, there are limits for everyone I believe.

Arg, it's frustrating and sad to know I am like this.  Why am I still making him drive a car we bought in 2004, just because I am overly fond of the memories we've had in it over the years.  It's a broken down money pit we hardly ever drive anymore.  The wonderful memories will always be there. LET. IT. GO.  Let J plan where we go to eat lunch on Saturday, and when.  Let him hang the silly sports posters in his office if he wants to.  Let him wear those crazy bright blue tennis shoes he picked out and bought without me last week. Let him decide how to design the new signs he is making.  It's like I can't even sit back and allow him that, I have to have my finger in every tiny pot, stirring.

Let it go and let my husband be happy with making a decision and let ME be happy letting him do it!  Why is my little world so complicated?  Why am I MAKING it complicated, more than it ever needs to be?  Me and my anxiety and my stupid control issues.  I need help.

MISS GEE