N is about ten years older. She's that friend you can tell almost anything to, but she's not quite open-minded enough to tell everything. N has always been very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily, so with that in mind, I can't really be 100% myself around her because I feel as though I have to watch what I say. I am a smart ass but I would have to hold back just a little around her, she would even get tears in her eyes when I was making fun of myself. I've always done my best to try and make her laugh, because if ever there was a woman who needed joy and brightness in her life, it's N. She has very old-fashioned values and a very submissive nature, and I know I can be overbearing sometimes. I would give her advice to speak up to her husband or boss, and she would say oh my goodness I couldn't do that. Really, she didn't cuss at all, and I have a mouth like a sailor so I tried to behave around her, but it's not really in my nature to be prim and proper.
When I met N, she was probably in her early 40's. But even back then she had completely gray hair (she's always been "afraid" to color it), she wore sad and frumpy clothes, unflattering flat plain shoes, and gigantic granny glasses. Mind you, I will be 47 this year, and I can't imagine appearing out in public that way. My 70-year-old mother dresses hipper than N did at 45. I don't think N stopped caring about how she looked, because although her clothes were in a style that was 20 years too old for her, she did shop at the nicer department stores and bought quality. She wore makeup and jewelry and went frequently to have her hair "done", so she was always put together quite well. N had two sons whom she adored and doted on, although both had moved away to towns that were close enough yet far enough away from their mom. She talked about her sons more than anything else.
I will say that N was one of the many catalysts in my decision to divorce W. I would never ever tell her this, because it would break her heart, but whenever I was around N and her husband I would see my future with W and think, damn I have to get out of my marriage as soon as I can. N's husband was very much like W, in fact he was a tad worse. I am not sure if it's just a coincidence, but N and her husband are originally from the same northern state as my ex. I don't like to use the word Yankee, it's somewhat of a crude stereotype and slur like Redneck is to me just because I'm from the south, but perhaps it's a fitting description nonetheless. N's husband was as cruel as they come, screaming at her, cussing at her, calling her evil names, taking out all his frustrations and inadequacies on her, taking it for granted that he could treat her any way he wanted and knowing that she was going to shut up and take it. Extremely abusive verbally and mentally, a terrible temper that he freely expressed, running their debt up on selfishness and not caring. An example of the type of man and husband he is: One day they went to a local deli to pick up sandwiches for the whole family (both sons were visiting), and he waited in the car for her- the deli was very busy, he got tired of waiting on her, and just drove home without letting her know. She came out of the deli with everyone's food to find her husband gone, and she had to call one of her sons to come pick her up. So, her husband was a complete asshole to say the least.
Luckily I didn't have to be around him much- most of our socializing was at work and at lunch. We did the occasional dinner or weekend brunch out, along with our other friend (the one you CAN openly tell everything to and she will think it's absolutely freakin' hysterical). But I was around N and her husband enough to see more of their interactions than I cared to, and it made me realize that if I stayed married to W, that would be me for the rest of my life. I would become N. At that time, W's verbal abuse was just getting worse, and he had started to put his hands on me in anger- I knew I had to get out, I knew I could not be like N and continue to get my soul crushed by my husband's meanness for all the years to come.
I am not sure if N ever thought about leaving her husband, the other girlfriend and I discussed that repeatedly when N wasn't with us. N is the type of person who is terrified of change, or taking chances, or even reaching out to others. She has horrendous self-doubts, more severe than mine ever were and like W did to me, she's let her shithead husband put her down for so many years that she honestly believes she is next to worthless. That's why, after 14 years with the company, she is still at the same menial clerk job making very little money- she tells me she's too dumb to do anything else when the truth is she's the hardest working and sharpest employee in the office. And it's why she is still in a loveless marriage to a man who is dragging her down. But all these years later N is approaching 60, and she is now saddled with the extra burden of her karma-stricken husband's failing health and unemployment. She already lost her chance, she is at that point of no return where leaving her husband now would give the appearance of abandonment, and not liberation. Her sons, now adults, have started to treat her in a similar fashion as their father always has- crass language, dismissive, impatience blowing up into unexcused rudeness, utter disrespect. And like she does with her husband, N continues to adore them and glibly explains away their behavior while tears form in her eyes and her voice chokes. I want to tell her, that's probably why they are both in their 30's and not married. That is the reason you don't have grandchildren yet. Your sons are turning into jerks and no modern day woman is going to put up with that crap.
In all the years we've been friends, N has always struggled with finding any pride in herself. As far as she can see, there is nothing positive in her life. She's unhappy at work, unhappy at home. Since I moved, our relationship has been relegated to IM's, emails, and weekend phone calls that normally last well over an hour. Since I've known her N has always been a Debbie Downer- she's so deeply unhappy and negative, she cries at the drop of a hat, she gets upset over the slightest ripple in her ocean. And when we talk, this is what I listen to for an hour each time. Never one ounce of delight in her tone, her words, her subject matter. It's always, woe is me. And I know I of all people should be patient with her, with the realization that like me, she also probably suffers from untreated depression. But it seems like my job in the relationship has always been to stay upbeat and try to make her smile. It's very one-sided. I could never in a million years, talk to her about any marriage issues, because her marriage is at rock bottom. I couldn't complain about my job because things were always harder at hers. I couldn't talk about wanting a new car, because hers was even older. I couldn't find any "safe" subject. Lately I find there is very little I can talk comfortably to her about. I have to tiptoe around everything I want to say and share with her, normal everyday things most friends would chat about with each other. It's making our friendship a heavy weight, but I'm not one to turn my back. At least not yet.
N has never taken vacations- either her husband doesn't want to go anywhere or they don't have the money. It makes me feel guilty gushing over all our exploits on the road, so I rarely share photos or stories with her about our travels, for fear of making her wistful. And she's not even on Facebook so she sees nothing of my life, and I put everything out there! Now that I'm not working, I try to play down my growing sense of well-being in life, knowing that her husband is not working and she doesn't have the same luxury as I do as far as leaving her job. I never never never ever discuss anything related to money, because every time I say we did something or bought something or went somewhere, she would say with a huge stabbing sigh, I wish I could do that too. Never, oh wow that sounds like so much fun, I am happy for you. If I talk about our house, she talks about how old and outdated hers is and she wants to move. If I talk about losing weight, she grumbles about how hard she tries but can't seem to lose. If I show her my pottery, she counters with how untalented she is. Not only can I not share my happy moments with her, I can't share my down moments with her because she will always say she's fatter, broker, sicker than I am. So that is why J is my shoulder to lean on when I need it, not my best friend N.
It doesn't matter what subject I try to bring up, she always has something negative about herself or her life to push back at me. I love her dearly, but I am at a crossroads. I haven't seen her in about two years and more than likely I will probably never see N again, I just don't have any reason to drive the 300 miles and go back to visit our old hometown and old state. When we first moved here, J and I went home about once a month for a long time, because we still had our old home on the market. I always made sure to connect with N. But I know she will never come to visit me, she's told me before she would be scared to get on the highway and drive that far alone. I've invited her repeatedly to come stay with me for a few days, take some time off and relax and kick back with me- I'll take her to the city and we'll have girlfriend fun. As for me, I admit I would never go stay with her, I would be afraid of what I would say or do to that jackass she's married to. He cussed her out right in front of me plenty of times in the past, as though breaking her down was a spectator sport. I could not stand to be around him so much that I would never bunk down at N's house for even a weekend visit. I would probably beat him to death before Saturday night rolled around.
When she called me this weekend, I let it go to voicemail. Repeatedly. Once on Saturday, and twice on Sunday. I was having a very awesome weekend with J, and in a great mood, and when I saw her calls all I could think about was how conversations with her are so painfully agonizing and somewhat unpleasant. So I didn't call her back. Monday morning I sent her an email and lied to say I was sorry, my phone had been shut off all weekend and I didn't realize she'd called. I just decided I didn't want to talk to her, to listen to the distress and hurt in her voice as she talked about how lazy and mean her husband was being, how the boss walked by her desk but did not speak to her while saying hello to the coworker beside her, how she wants to repaint her bathroom but can't afford it and even if she could she's always too tired. I felt like an awful person for choosing not to return her calls, but I had to step back and say, I am feeling upbeat right now and no matter how much of my bliss I try to share, none of it is ever going to rub off on her. And it made me sad.
It made me sad that I can't openly tell her about my life because my joy makes her even sadder.
MISS GEE
(Okay here is my chosen totally unrelated photo, the new beads I just unloaded from my kiln moments ago- getting them listed on Etsy today- to celebrate all the things that are good in my world since I took my leap of faith and started my new life with J.)
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