With Or Without

Oh a rare weekend post!

It's one of those occasions where I had to let J go off and be a guy instead of being attached to my hip.  I haven't seen him since he left for work Friday morning. After work he hooked up with his best buddy, and they headed out of town.  There is a casino and hotel about three hours away in another state, that J and I have been going to since our dating days.  I don't gamble- I just usually relax in the hotel room or take walks alongside the river, or grab a book and a chair on the patio so I can enjoy the cool evening mountain air.  We go several times a year, just quick weekend getaways.  We have a trip planned there next month.  

But every once in awhile, J likes to go with his best friend instead.  I know being with your wife is a beautiful thing, but guy time is important too and I don't take that away from him.  He just called and he is getting ready to play in a Saturday morning poker tournament, so it will be late this afternoon or early evening before I see him.  I don't mind J playing cards or craps, because first and foremost he is a responsible husband and provider.  He's also very good at both poker and blackjack, and he doesn't lose money, so I don't worry.  When J and I go up, we make a wonderful weekend out of it, stopping to take photos of waterfalls (above) or strolling main street in a quaint mountain town.  When J goes with his buddy, it's straight to the casino for cards and a little sleep, nothing else.

On a normal weekday, I have my set schedule and routine around the house.  But these once in a blue moon Friday nights home alone, I don't have to get dinner ready or watch the clock or wait for the phone call saying, I'm on my way home from the office.  I was very tempted to head out myself last night, but Friday morning I was gone from the house for several hours running a whole list of errands- the dry cleaners, splurging on new craft supplies, using up Kohl's cash, returning an item to Lowe's, groceries at Publix, meds at CVS, picking up toilet paper and ketchup in bulk from the warehouse store.  Exciting stuff. So once I got back home I instead settled in for a marathon of a favorite TV show, got into jammies early, and had a bowl of cereal for dinner- the good sugary kid stuff with marshmallows, not the responsible adult fiber overload.  Yes, I live on the edge.  

I am debating on what I want to do today, I honestly do not feel like sitting at home, although I do have several pottery projects I'm in the middle of readying for the kiln.  It's another gloomy, misty day out again, I feel as though I'm waiting on a Biblical plague to befall us here.  It might as well be the end of the world, instead of just the weekend, the daylong darkness is just eerie.  I could just go shoe shopping and out to lunch, and don't get me wrong- a new pair of black sandals and an Original at Schlotsky's sounds like a winner.  But I don't know.

I really want to go to our regular Saturday night auction, but J said he can't guarantee he'll be back in time to get us down there.  I have been to dozens and dozens of auctions with J over the years- an auction was one of our first dates and J bought me a beautiful framed original chalk painting of a horse, which hangs next to our bed today.  Auctions do not intimidate me, I understand the process and all the lingo.  I know how to follow the auctioneer's calls, I know all the rules of bidding, and since J has a tendency to wander around and look at things while we're there, I also know how to bid for myself.  But I've never ever been to an auction completely by myself.  It's not too far of a drive, perhaps 30 minutes straight down the interstate.  And it's the same folks at every auction- the type of people who you don't know them by name, but you sit and talk with them anyhow.

Most of the time, I don't care if we go to the auction or not.  But this particular weekend, they have an item listed that I really do want very much.  One of the oddities I collect is old wooden butter molds.  I actually use them for my pottery, finding them mostly on eBay.  I take a chunk of clay, press and pound the butter mold down into it, and square it up on all sides.  When I release the mold, I have a perfect tile with the relief of the image from the butter mold.  (I'm trying to convince J to learn to make frames for my tiles.)  The butter mold at the auction tonight is a nice one, large, and the image is unique and one I haven't seen yet- a maiden sitting on a stool with a bucket, milking a cow.  I think the size and subject matter alone will make a wonderful tile.  

I really want it.  I told J about it, but he almost cancelled his trip because of it, so he could take me.  That is not something I wanted him to do, and I don't want to put pressure on him to try and be home today at a certain time.  Going to an auction, is not a sure thing- I get outbid on items all the time and leave disappointed.  I put a maximum bid in my head before the auctioneer ever gets to an item, and I stick to it. At an auction, it's very easy to let your emotions and the excitement get the best of you- J does it all the time- and you keep going long after you should have put your paddle down.  If I say to myself, I won't pay more than $20 for that, then I don't let myself end up paying $35.  For J, and I think for lots of guys, auctions end up being more about competition with the other bidders and "winning", and less about the actual worth of the item.  I have watched men- and J- let their ego get in the way many times.  But, it's cute to see them turn into 10-year-olds, trying to be the guy who gets to leave with those old baseball cards or that new still-in-the-box power tool.

So this morning I have to decide, if J isn't back home in time, will I go to the auction without him?  We go to auctions first and foremost, because we have fun and it's an evening out together.  So is an auction even something I want to do alone?  I want this mold, but no more than I want those black sandals I saw in the store's ad.  I would drive to the store by myself, shop by myself, buy those shoes by myself, and even have a nice meal out by myself.  Why wouldn't I go to the auction by myself??  I think I'm attaching too much sentimental value to the decision.  Shoe shopping is one thing, but auctions have always meant date night with my hubby.  To go to one without him, would seem weird and almost sad.  But to say it like that, I feel weird.

I used to have a very active social life outside of our marriage, before we moved here.  I had a regular Tuesday night pottery class, I had standing dinner dates and Saturday morning coffee with two sets of girlfriends.  I used to go down to the lake to read or hike.  I had a weekly support group and meetings to attend.  J would golf with friends, he was on a bowling team and in a pool league.  But not having those friendships here, I've become very dependent on J as my partner for all my social outlets.  For the most part, J also usually wants to spend his free time with me, too.  We rarely go off to do something fun without each other.  I do still go to my weekly support meetings, but that's one hour a week, and we all go our separate ways afterwards.  But does going out and going off alone, count as socializing?  Or do I just look at attending the auction as another form of shopping!

I think if I do decide to go to the auction by myself, I would shock J.  I think he doesn't believe I would do it, at the last minute I would say, eh I don't care about going.  He could potentially be home in time- if he gets knocked out of the poker tournament in an hour or two, he'll be back in time to change clothes and hit the road with me.  But, when 4pm rolls around and he's not home yet, do I head out the door on my own adventure?  If I wanted to go to Target, the answer would be a no-brainer.  But auctions are long tedious affairs, and I may not get home until 10pm or later.  Do I use this opportunity to show J that he doesn't have to worry about me, that I can still go have my own fun while he enjoys doing what he wants to do? Would he worry about me the whole time, or would he be happy to see me taking control for a change, and not waiting on him?  If I decide not to go on my own, will that make him feel guilty that he had a guys' weekend out instead of staying at home to go do what his wife wanted to do?  J is always encouraging me to go off and do whatever strikes my fancy, to undertake any new venture or class, and I know he is very sincere about it.

I see women at these auctions alone all the time, notebooks in hand.  Most of them are decorators or buyers, or dealers with their own shops, so I know their attendance is a routine business function.  Do I want to go to this auction to buy this particular item, or is it more about making a personal statement about my independence? And why am I- a grown woman- even putting so much importance on this one decision, on this one Saturday night?  Can't I just go or not go? Geez.

MISS GEE

(My favorite spot along the river at the casino, to sit and reflect on life)